even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
