my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
