I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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