She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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