Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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