I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
