Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
