I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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