Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
