I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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