my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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