I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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