I cannot find my penis.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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