Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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