Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
