Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
