He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
