I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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