Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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