I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
