I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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