I met the friendliest cop last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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