6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
