I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
