??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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