I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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