I look better un-naked...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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