I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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