did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
