I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
