I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize