No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
