I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
