Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
