She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
