Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
