I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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