My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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