If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
