his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
