My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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