I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
