At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
