no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
