I wish I only lived at night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
