my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
