It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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