Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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