i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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