ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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