Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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