easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
