I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
