You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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