im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
