At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize