worst night to have a conscience
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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