I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
